It's the best.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Cordell, Texas Ranger

I was wondering today if Walker, from Walker, Texas Ranger, was referencing his first name or his last name. Figured it was probably his last name, but then got to thinking that Walker would be a pretty good FIRST name. Especially for a 20th century cowboy sheriff law enforcement ninja good Samaritan animal lover guy man dude. Instead his name is Cordell. Boo.
Anyways, I was researching the show (which I have never seen), and was sort of spooked out by the many similarities between my life and Walker's life. It's really kind of eerie. So, just for fun, I have compiled a list of descriptions of some commonly re-occurring scenes and scenarios from my life, mixed in with some ones from Walker's life, but I have taken out the names so YOU have to guess whether the description has to do with me, or with Cordell (Walker, Texas Ranger). Here we go, no cheating:


________ performs his legendary roundhouse kick to the villain's face as a last move that usually defeats the victim immediately when the victim falls from a window, off the roof, and others. The shot of ________ kicking his adversary is then rapidly repeated, twice, and in slow motion, from different angles.

_________ talking to or interacting with animals—staring them down to prevent them from attacking, directing them to do complex tasks, or using their knowledge for his benefit.

A vacationing _________ (or an associate) inadvertently stumbling upon an illicit enterprise that requires ___________'s intervention and the ultimate destruction of said enterprise; the climax often comes just before _________ returns to his post in ________.

Paranormal or mystical phenomena, including but not limited to: ghosts of Native Americans directing _______ towards clues; the ghost of _______ ________, legendary ______ ________, leading ________ to buried treasure; the ghost of an old Native American shaman striking ________ with a lightning bolt and transporting him hundreds of years into the past; a reborn Buddhist monk being hunted down by a jealous monk, also reborn.

________ is often shown jumping out of a helicopter, or another moving vehicle, into the vehicle of a fleeing criminal, or occasionally into a criminals hideout.

__________ arriving just in time to save someone, or to arrest criminals.

When suspect people or criminals are confronted by _________ with interrogating questions, they usually respond by pretending to turn away, only to then draw back and attempt to throw a hay maker punch. This punch is always blocked by __________, and after its failure, he proceeds to beat them until they are rendered to the ground.

The episode often ends with a lighthearted moment in which the main characters exchange jokes and have a good laugh at ________'s bar. This is commonly concluded with a camera still on __________ and/or another character laughing which subsequently fades to black before the credits roll.


Well, good luck. I have included a picture of both me and Walker, Texas Ranger (respectively) in case having a visual of the person or scenario being described might help you in your decision:

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Iron Maiden or Judas Priest?

Uh so apparently I STARTED writing this STUPID post like almost a year ago, but then never posted it. For shame. It's funny to see how RETARDED I was less than a year ago, and then realize i've only gotten RETARDEDER since. Jubilation. Anyhow, out of boredom, I am going to finish this one, and also add that I have changed my mind for now, because I am voting Judas Priest all the way, and I apparently, love to use, commas. This will always fluctuate (the JP/IM preference, not my interest in comma, usage). Yeah so..... it went a little something like this:


There was a time in my life when this was a difficult question. But when i was asked this question last night, the answer came without any hesitation: Iron Maiden. But it's still a drag to have to make that decision. Judas Priest do have more groovy fist-pumpin' tunes, and some RIDICULOUSLY SILLY guitar solos (see: Jawbreaker on Defenders of the Faith), but Iron Maiden's guitar solos make my asshole burn. Too SWASS. Too SWASS. I listened to all the guitar solos on Number of the Beast in a row today and I almost busted a 'roid. Number of the beast (double guitar solo with interlude in between), Run to the Hills, fudgin' Hallowed be thy Name when the shit gets all fast. Even the non-existence of a proper solo in Children of the Damned (the dual lead shit followed by the twin tappin' chit) PUMPS MY SHIT UP. I think it was the guitar solos from Aces High that got me into guitar solos in the first place (and boy am i INTO guitar solos...). Luhdat. Anyways, as it is pointless to argue such things as taste, I decided to judge instead which band has KEPT IT MOST REAL in terms of LOOKING SWASS. Let the gaymes begin:

Looking pretty fucking awesome, I'd say. I guess this is circa 82-ish since they have Bruce already and Clive Burr is still around. Some key items: Adrian Smith's zebra shirt, Bruce Dickinson's face, and what I assume is a UFO shirt on Steve Harris; not to mention the perfectly gloomed sky. Butt, some 25 years or so later, they gotta go and do this to me:

Well actually, THEY didn't do anything wrong, it's all Bruce's fault. What the hell is going on with brown cargo pants and running shoes? (not to mention he is the only one who pussed out and cut his hair). Some people look cool without trying, but this looks more like TRYING TO NOT LOOK COOL. It's like the Oingo Boingo farewell concert DVD, where Danny Elfman comes out with a t-shirt on and some baggy shorts and no shoes. It looks like he's at a barbeque. This is HIS LAST SHOW EVER with Oingo Boingo, and he doesnt even put on any sweet threads. And it's fucking Halloween too! Godammit. He looks awesome in the Little Girls video, and in Back to School. Anyways, Bruce Bruce fucked it all up here. Word on the street is the manager of Maiden maidem shave off his silly Samson moustache and go buy a leather jacket. Fuckin A right?


And that is where the OG post ended, and now it is my civic duty to finish it. I assume I would have just found two pictures of JP (before and after) and then said how they also look retarded now. Let's see if I'm right about what I WOULD have done and now WILL do.

Now that's what I call progress. I will let the pictures speak for themselves. Now I am going to create a JP/IM playlist and listen to it out of one ear, because I blew a firecracker off in my ear like 6 months ago, and my ear is still fucked up. Sounds like a crackling bowl of Rice Krispies (TM) whenever things get too loud, not to mention the constant hum, and high-pitch noise when I clench my jaw. Ah, gotta love being a teenager. Or so I hear. Out of one ear.

Friday, April 11, 2008

It's Slime Time!

Last week I was assembling assorted specimens of slime and ooze for chore boy Rex to analyze while we were designing the Mean Jeans 7" cover on Rehab Records; tentatively titled "SMDYF!". Anyhow, I got too lazy to DO ANYTHING with the results, as I had already contributed tuns o' fine reading material to my lesions of fans out there........... (cricket chirping while riding a tumbleweed through an empty room).
It was actually quite a significant moment in my recent life because, until then, I had never reached THE END of the internet. I searched both SLIME and OOZE (and maybe even SLIME TIME) in google image search, and I scrolled through each set of results until they RAN out. Thats like over 100 pages of results for each variation on GUNK. This is more depressing than funny (like seeing me naked), but at least I was getting PAID while doing it.
So let's see what we got, SHALL WE?

This one really doesn't need any preface:

This one was basically to use for a model to trace in photoshop to get a seeping, dripping ooze. You know an oozing, slipping SLIME?:

My plan is to obtain this next item and read it on the bus in hopes of sparking up LIVELY conversation with attractive FEMALES:

Was gonna suggest Christian buy this guitar, but he already bought one just as SWEET, but not quite as GREEN:

After work I'm headed down to 12345 Any Street to donkey punch whoever is responsible for NOT INVITING ME to this party:

Found inspiration for the title of the first LP:

I wonder if he was playing THIS guitar when he got shot:

My favorite Commodore 64 game, BY FAR:


When I'm not hard at work on this BLOG, I'm most likely just kiknbaque in my fave spot, the SLIME POOL:

Is this shit drawn by the same dude who does the Fat Wreck Chords Live in a Dive series? Any pathetic losers out there even know what the hell I am talking about or did you decide to GROW UP and GET A JOB and STOP LISTENING TO MAD CADDIES ALL DAY?:

My grandma's favorite movie:

Oh and by the way, I spelled legions incorrectly ON PURPOSE to BE FUNNY. See you at the MEAN JEANS HOUSE PARTY on Saturday night you mudfuckers.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Are you trying to read my journal???

So this girl at the bar last night read my palm and told me that love will lead me down a path of happiness blah blah. She was crazy. I got good lifelines in my right hand though. She got all mad at me when I tried to compare with my left palm, telling me she had only learned how to "read" right hands, and that I had to shut the fuck up and listen instead of yakkin off at the mouth so much. What the hell do you expect? Whatever.
So yeah, I realized that writing a "blog" that only like 1 person reads is essentially equivalent to writing in a journal, which we all know is LAME. But I got some good ideas to put on wax here before I forgettem.

First a couple of my cash-cow movie ideas that will only rake in any real sort of residuals after the 3rd sequel comes out. Its a marketing strategy I haven't seen used yet, so I'm gonna ride that train (and ride it). Here's two examples:

Be Careful What You Wish - Practically nobody sees this movie, straight to DBD, etc.
Be Careful What You Wish 2 - Mediocre sales, strong rental and download figures.
Be Careful What You Wish 3 - Internet buzz, excellent reception, limited theater run.
Be Careful What You Wish 4 - Cash Cow Baby

along the same vein is another series, pretty self-explanatory really:

Sometimes You Can't See the Forest
Sometimes You Can't See the Forest 2: The Return
Sometimes You Can't See the Forest 3: The Aftermath
Sometimes You Can't See the Forest 4: The Trees

Maybe the "sometimes" shouldn't be there. Also, which set of movies comes out first? I'm sure the movie going public will only be duped by this sort of stratagem once, so I must heed the advice of the strange man at the Laundromat:
"You gotta know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em"
I presume he wasn't talking about the trousers I was taking out of the dryer.

On another topic, I've finally come up with the name of my first child. And, because I'm always thinking, I've come up with a contingency plan in case it's a GIRL. Here are the names:

BOY - September 11th Bassett
GIRL - "Hurricane" Katrina Bassett

So I'm pretty excited about those, I just need to get down to business. Ladies? I'm single, ready to mingle.
Lastly, The Mean Jeans are gearing up to put out a 7" on Rehab Records. Not sure what songs are gonna be on it, but you can expect some pretty GROOVY artwork that may or may not resemble visual powerhouses as such:

Well, so long for now, I'm off to listen to "Can't Get Can't Get You Out of My Head Out of My Head" while trying to glue my iPod to my groin (maximum portability).