It's the best.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Breaking the Law

Greetings Earthlings......

So last night I got REAL drunk....AGAIN. Let's begin from the beginning....
So Pure Goldman tells me about a free taco if you ride yer bike to Porque No. Did that shit after work and ate a free taco. It was good. Then I borrowed his neon yellow helmet and went and got a free slice at Pizza-a-GoGo (free slice on the condition that you bike there and show yer helmet). So all in all: free dinner. BUTT... I got a call from Lindsay Kavka (she's in town fer a couple weeks) telling me that if I want to make it to Simpsons trivia night, I gotta be at 34th and Belmont by 7 sharp and no cell phones. So I had to eat my slice o' pizza while riding my bike down Vancouver so I could make it in time to return Goldman's neon helmet, go to my house, take a shit, change my shirt, and bike 15 minutes to the spot. Needless to say I made it.
Also needless to say we tore it up on trivia, plus I finally got to put my German degree to use (two German related questions...). Anyways we actual sucked, we got 3rd to last. Butt whatever.
So then I run into Nick Barbaree and when Lindsay and crew leave (she had to work at Starbucks at 4 am...) I kick it with Nick and his buds from South Dakota (not from Rapid City though, I soon discovered). I am on beer 6 or so at this point.
Party moves to Beulahland where I have #s 7,8,9 or so. I am stuck between two conversations at this point, thinking about nothing in particular. I also ran into Tony Larson's cousin essy, she had just been catering food to nerds at a sci-fi convention. Why isnt that my job? Anyways, she apparently fergot her ID so she got kicked out, and told me she'd be hangin' outside. I of course fergot about that and drank more beers. Never saw her again.
Anyways cut to the chase, we walk over to Chopsticks and I immediately put in Breaking the Law for karaoke, there was a time crunch and I didnt feel like stressin'.
Shit, this is stupid. Butt anyways I act a fool, do powerslides, high-kicks, lots of pointing, air guitar, head-bashing against wall, wrong lyrics, and then top it off by dunking the mic in the Tip Jar and yelling: SCREAM FOR ME PORTAL-LAND.....
Then I walk straight from the stage to my bike and go home without saying bye to anyone (including Laura Likeman who is moving) and her posse. I'm an asshole.
When I got home Christian was getting bangs on the front stoop.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


I just ate a fuckin' Baby Ruth. And last week I ate a 3 Musketeers. What am I like 10 years old? They've changed the Baby Ruth by the way. Something more creamier/caramelly about it. Cant quite put my finger in it. I feel like an asshole sitting here in my damn cubicle eating a candy bar and reading about Quincy Jones on Wikipedia. I just heard that my bro is gunna be a pro poker player. I'm excited. Look out for him on ESPN 8.

Thursday, July 19, 2007


You know what I was thinking today...
The fact that boxers are normally all different colors creates a problem I just now realized. Lets say that you really liked blue boxers, so you had like 10 pairs of them. So everyday you would wear a fresh new pair of blue boxers. BUTT - if someone were to sneak a peek and notice that you had been wearing blue boxers for 3 days in a row, they would be making fun of you and telling other people you work with that you are smelly and dont shower and dont change your underpants...
See now, I actually HAVE been wearing the same blue boxers for 3 days now without showering, but I feel like its unfair to someone who was actually fresh and clean.
See now, with whitey tighties, you dont have this problem. If someone were to see another persons whitey-tighties 3 days in a row, they would probably just assume that they are wearing a fresh new pair of underpants everyday, because most whitey tighties are white (hence the name). See thats not fair I says. But then again I guess people who wear whitey tighties get made fun of anyways.
I switched to boxers in fifth grade. My mom bought me a pair of Jurassic Park ones and then a pair of Bugs Bunny surfing on a carrot ones. I remember showing them off on the front porch (stylin'). The next year I caved in to wigger pressure and bought a Chicago Bulls Starter jacket (which was later stolen...)
Time to go.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

You be the Judge

Now, if anybody out there just can't wait to see Vice Versa after hearing all the praise going around town, make sure you pick up the right one. If you are doing the VHS thing, be on the lookout for a product that resembles this here:

OR, if yer into the DVD thing, then yer gunna want to pick up this slightly altered version in which they stealthily added Fred Savage into the scene:

I still can't figure out how they made Judge Reinhold skateboarding off a desk look so convincing in the days before photoshop and what not. Maybe the guy can shred...
Also, make sure you don't accidentally pick up a live dvd by the "highly stylistic" British "function band" VICEVERSA:

Needless to say, they suck.

Til next time,

Judge "Shredmaster" Reinhold

Friday, July 13, 2007

Prince of Douchebags

Michael "Pure" Goldman doesn't know who Bryan Adams is. What the hell is that? Then I sang "Everything I Do" for him and he was like "Oh yeah whatever okay I guess I know that song". Then I was like don't you remember Robin Hood Prince of Thieves? It was the Theme Song!". And he was like, "Oh so Im supposed to know this crappy song just because it was in some crappy movie.... Robin Hood Men in Tights was much better anyways, remember when blah blah blah"...
Some people are crazy. You can't mess with the scene where he finally hits English shores and he kneels in the wet sand and uses his hands as human hourglasses. Or when Morgan Freeman is mesmerized by the binoculars. Or monocular. Telescope. Whatever.
Its Friday and there's a Mean Jeans show tonight. Chyeah Baby.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Surprise, surprise

I got really wasted last night.
I woke up with no clothes on.
Could this be the mouse?

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Wayne and Garth's Excellent Adventure

The other week I was going to write a long-winded expose on how the movie Big was a rip-off of a lesser-known, lesser-good movie called Vice Versa. Starring the elustrious Judge Reinhold and a young, annoying Fred Savage (who later went to Stanford and my sister told me she saw him smoking doobies behind her at some concert). Anyhow, its not REALLY the same story but alot of the key elements are the same. In Big, Tom Hanks just gets older physically but not mentally. In Vice Versa Judge and Fred swop bodies (they are father and son). Vice Versa was shitty but me and Rex were both sad when it ended for some reason. Actually for a while I couldn't even bear to watch it because I was so embarrassed. You know that sort of embarrassment by osmosis when you feel so bad for someone else you cant even take it? Anyhow, it cost me 70 cents so whatever. Plus I bought it because of Judge Reinhold's face on the back. Ill try to find some pics. Man, typing Judge Reinhold over and over is kind of super sillious.
Anyways, the ACTUAL point here is that Wayne's World DID rip off Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (and Bogus Journey I suppose). Christian brought this up a while back and I didn't really think much of it. Butt then I just watched Bill and Teds again and it became very apparent. For instance:
Party On Dude! Waahwiiwahh (electric guitar snippet).
Well anyways, howcome no one ever brings this up??? Maybe they do, I dunno. Waynes World was huge. Im tired. Im hungry.

Friday, July 6, 2007

8 to Jubitz... 8 to Jubitz

Alright, its Friday morning and its time to bitch.

First of all there is a dude on the bus I ride every morning who has the nastiest, greasiest hair. He never blinks. He's a black guy with long curly silver hair down to his shoulders that only turns silver towards the bottom. He's insane looking. But who cares about all that... the problem is he spends the entire time on the bus cleaning his ears with a q-tip. Is it just me or is that real nasty? I dont really give a shit about too much stuff, but this guy creeps me out. He is doing it constantly and every once in a while he will produce a new q-tip (as in a different one because I dont think any of them are actually new...) and go to town. Fuck that guy.

One cool thing though is that I went to go see Hot Fuzz with Crapford last night and while he was taking a piss some guy came up to me and said:
KOKANEE? (pronounced extremely incorrectly)
Turns out it was Kyle from the Colombian Dance Party Extravaganza (good story, more on that maybe later)
Anyways, he was wearing funny shades and I didnt recognize him, but I do appreciate people who recognize me thru beer.
Also the movie was good but maybe too long?
Anyways, I've lost focus so I'll end this now. Maybe some other time I will continue talking about people who annoy me (like people who press the elevator button even though I just pressed it right in front of them AND it is lit up. retards)