It's the best.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Cordell, Texas Ranger

I was wondering today if Walker, from Walker, Texas Ranger, was referencing his first name or his last name. Figured it was probably his last name, but then got to thinking that Walker would be a pretty good FIRST name. Especially for a 20th century cowboy sheriff law enforcement ninja good Samaritan animal lover guy man dude. Instead his name is Cordell. Boo.
Anyways, I was researching the show (which I have never seen), and was sort of spooked out by the many similarities between my life and Walker's life. It's really kind of eerie. So, just for fun, I have compiled a list of descriptions of some commonly re-occurring scenes and scenarios from my life, mixed in with some ones from Walker's life, but I have taken out the names so YOU have to guess whether the description has to do with me, or with Cordell (Walker, Texas Ranger). Here we go, no cheating:


________ performs his legendary roundhouse kick to the villain's face as a last move that usually defeats the victim immediately when the victim falls from a window, off the roof, and others. The shot of ________ kicking his adversary is then rapidly repeated, twice, and in slow motion, from different angles.

_________ talking to or interacting with animals—staring them down to prevent them from attacking, directing them to do complex tasks, or using their knowledge for his benefit.

A vacationing _________ (or an associate) inadvertently stumbling upon an illicit enterprise that requires ___________'s intervention and the ultimate destruction of said enterprise; the climax often comes just before _________ returns to his post in ________.

Paranormal or mystical phenomena, including but not limited to: ghosts of Native Americans directing _______ towards clues; the ghost of _______ ________, legendary ______ ________, leading ________ to buried treasure; the ghost of an old Native American shaman striking ________ with a lightning bolt and transporting him hundreds of years into the past; a reborn Buddhist monk being hunted down by a jealous monk, also reborn.

________ is often shown jumping out of a helicopter, or another moving vehicle, into the vehicle of a fleeing criminal, or occasionally into a criminals hideout.

__________ arriving just in time to save someone, or to arrest criminals.

When suspect people or criminals are confronted by _________ with interrogating questions, they usually respond by pretending to turn away, only to then draw back and attempt to throw a hay maker punch. This punch is always blocked by __________, and after its failure, he proceeds to beat them until they are rendered to the ground.

The episode often ends with a lighthearted moment in which the main characters exchange jokes and have a good laugh at ________'s bar. This is commonly concluded with a camera still on __________ and/or another character laughing which subsequently fades to black before the credits roll.


Well, good luck. I have included a picture of both me and Walker, Texas Ranger (respectively) in case having a visual of the person or scenario being described might help you in your decision:


Nick said...

I'm not sure, but I think the answer to all of these is "Peter Jansen".

The Hound of Love said...

Well then we would have to add "__________ wrote the song 'Bad Boys', as featured on COPS." Oh wait that was Pieter Wassung. Was that before or after his maid stole his passport and made a quick getaway on the AVALANCHE?

Nick said...

Yeah, that's Wasung. Not sure if you already know this, but Jansen is an internationally-recognized genius:

"...The achievements described above become even more significant when we learn that Peter
is dyslexic. In fact, he turned this negative into a positive years ago when a chance
discovery that he could read sentences backwards, and more than one line at a time,
allowed him achieve an impressive reading speed of 2,000 words a minute.
Then, on 18 November
2005, Peter had an accident in the gym while training for a polar expedition."

The Hound of Love said...

So what the hell? That must be a joke. His "life coach" web page has all sorts of spelling and grammar mistakes on it (like poses instead of possess). Plus check out the comments from his "satisfied customers". An anonymous actor in newport beach is getting a lot more casting calls thanks to Peter. Plus he is loading music on to people's iPods for them? What the hell is going on here?

Nick said...

When it comes to what I call Jansini Studies, this is just the tip of the iceberg, the edge of the spider web, the ... uhh ... needle in a haystack? It's a corn maze where every path leads to an impassable pile of horse shit.

svarog99 said...

"Road House" featuring Patrick Swayze -- you like?

Blauth said...

i was going to say that "the hound's" life is a bit more like jansini's than walker's; but now that you mention it, i think that they all might be one in the same. i haven't seen any one of them in the same room in years.

GR3G0R said...

Absolutely hilarious.