Cordell, Texas Ranger

I was wondering today if Walker, from Walker, Texas Ranger, was referencing his first name or his last name. Figured it was probably his last name, but then got to thinking that Walker would be a pretty good FIRST name. Especially for a 20th century cowboy sheriff law enforcement ninja good Samaritan animal lover guy man dude. Instead his name is Cordell. Boo.
Anyways, I was researching the show (which I have never seen), and was sort of spooked out by the many similarities between my life and Walker's life. It's really kind of eerie. So, just for fun, I have compiled a list of descriptions of some commonly re-occurring scenes and scenarios from my life, mixed in with some ones from Walker's life, but I have taken out the names so YOU have to guess whether the description has to do with me, or with Cordell (Walker, Texas Ranger). Here we go, no cheating:

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________ performs his legendary roundhouse kick to the villain's face as a last move that usually defeats the victim immediately when the victim falls from a window, off the roof, and others. The shot of ________ kicking his adversary is then rapidly repeated, twice, and in slow motion, from different angles.

_________ talking to or interacting with animals—staring them down to prevent them from attacking, directing them to do complex tasks, or using their knowledge for his benefit.

A vacationing _________ (or an associate) inadvertently stumbling upon an illicit enterprise that requires ___________'s intervention and the ultimate destruction of said enterprise; the climax often comes just before _________ returns to his post in ________.

Paranormal or mystical phenomena, including but not limited to: ghosts of Native Americans directing _______ towards clues; the ghost of _______ ________, legendary ______ ________, leading ________ to buried treasure; the ghost of an old Native American shaman striking ________ with a lightning bolt and transporting him hundreds of years into the past; a reborn Buddhist monk being hunted down by a jealous monk, also reborn.

________ is often shown jumping out of a helicopter, or another moving vehicle, into the vehicle of a fleeing criminal, or occasionally into a criminals hideout.

__________ arriving just in time to save someone, or to arrest criminals.

When suspect people or criminals are confronted by _________ with interrogating questions, they usually respond by pretending to turn away, only to then draw back and attempt to throw a hay maker punch. This punch is always blocked by __________, and after its failure, he proceeds to beat them until they are rendered to the ground.

The episode often ends with a lighthearted moment in which the main characters exchange jokes and have a good laugh at ________'s bar. This is commonly concluded with a camera still on __________ and/or another character laughing which subsequently fades to black before the credits roll.

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Well, good luck. I have included a picture of both me and Walker, Texas Ranger (respectively) in case having a visual of the person or scenario being described might help you in your decision:

Iron Maiden or Judas Priest?

Uh so apparently I STARTED writing this STUPID post like almost a year ago, but then never posted it. For shame. It's funny to see how RETARDED I was less than a year ago, and then realize i've only gotten RETARDEDER since. Jubilation. Anyhow, out of boredom, I am going to finish this one, and also add that I have changed my mind for now, because I am voting Judas Priest all the way, and I apparently, love to use, commas. This will always fluctuate (the JP/IM preference, not my interest in comma, usage). Yeah so..... it went a little something like this:

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There was a time in my life when this was a difficult question. But when i was asked this question last night, the answer came without any hesitation: Iron Maiden. But it's still a drag to have to make that decision. Judas Priest do have more groovy fist-pumpin' tunes, and some RIDICULOUSLY SILLY guitar solos (see: Jawbreaker on Defenders of the Faith), but Iron Maiden's guitar solos make my asshole burn. Too SWASS. Too SWASS. I listened to all the guitar solos on Number of the Beast in a row today and I almost busted a 'roid. Number of the beast (double guitar solo with interlude in between), Run to the Hills, fudgin' Hallowed be thy Name when the shit gets all fast. Even the non-existence of a proper solo in Children of the Damned (the dual lead shit followed by the twin tappin' chit) PUMPS MY SHIT UP. I think it was the guitar solos from Aces High that got me into guitar solos in the first place (and boy am i INTO guitar solos...). Luhdat. Anyways, as it is pointless to argue such things as taste, I decided to judge instead which band has KEPT IT MOST REAL in terms of LOOKING SWASS. Let the gaymes begin:

Looking pretty fucking awesome, I'd say. I guess this is circa 82-ish since they have Bruce already and Clive Burr is still around. Some key items: Adrian Smith's zebra shirt, Bruce Dickinson's face, and what I assume is a UFO shirt on Steve Harris; not to mention the perfectly gloomed sky. Butt, some 25 years or so later, they gotta go and do this to me:

Well actually, THEY didn't do anything wrong, it's all Bruce's fault. What the hell is going on with brown cargo pants and running shoes? (not to mention he is the only one who pussed out and cut his hair). Some people look cool without trying, but this looks more like TRYING TO NOT LOOK COOL. It's like the Oingo Boingo farewell concert DVD, where Danny Elfman comes out with a t-shirt on and some baggy shorts and no shoes. It looks like he's at a barbeque. This is HIS LAST SHOW EVER with Oingo Boingo, and he doesnt even put on any sweet threads. And it's fucking Halloween too! Godammit. He looks awesome in the Little Girls video, and in Back to School. Anyways, Bruce Bruce fucked it all up here. Word on the street is the manager of Maiden maidem shave off his silly Samson moustache and go buy a leather jacket. Fuckin A right?

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And that is where the OG post ended, and now it is my civic duty to finish it. I assume I would have just found two pictures of JP (before and after) and then said how they also look retarded now. Let's see if I'm right about what I WOULD have done and now WILL do.



Now that's what I call progress. I will let the pictures speak for themselves. Now I am going to create a JP/IM playlist and listen to it out of one ear, because I blew a firecracker off in my ear like 6 months ago, and my ear is still fucked up. Sounds like a crackling bowl of Rice Krispies (TM) whenever things get too loud, not to mention the constant hum, and high-pitch noise when I clench my jaw. Ah, gotta love being a teenager. Or so I hear. Out of one ear.

It's Slime Time!

Last week I was assembling assorted specimens of slime and ooze for chore boy Rex to analyze while we were designing the Mean Jeans 7" cover on Rehab Records; tentatively titled "SMDYF!". Anyhow, I got too lazy to DO ANYTHING with the results, as I had already contributed tuns o' fine reading material to my lesions of fans out there........... (cricket chirping while riding a tumbleweed through an empty room).
It was actually quite a significant moment in my recent life because, until then, I had never reached THE END of the internet. I searched both SLIME and OOZE (and maybe even SLIME TIME) in google image search, and I scrolled through each set of results until they RAN out. Thats like over 100 pages of results for each variation on GUNK. This is more depressing than funny (like seeing me naked), but at least I was getting PAID while doing it.
So let's see what we got, SHALL WE?

This one really doesn't need any preface:

This one was basically to use for a model to trace in photoshop to get a seeping, dripping ooze. You know an oozing, slipping SLIME?:

My plan is to obtain this next item and read it on the bus in hopes of sparking up LIVELY conversation with attractive FEMALES:

Was gonna suggest Christian buy this guitar, but he already bought one just as SWEET, but not quite as GREEN:

After work I'm headed down to 12345 Any Street to donkey punch whoever is responsible for NOT INVITING ME to this party:

Found inspiration for the title of the first LP:

I wonder if he was playing THIS guitar when he got shot:

My favorite Commodore 64 game, BY FAR:

OOZIE:

When I'm not hard at work on this BLOG, I'm most likely just kiknbaque in my fave spot, the SLIME POOL:

Is this shit drawn by the same dude who does the Fat Wreck Chords Live in a Dive series? Any pathetic losers out there even know what the hell I am talking about or did you decide to GROW UP and GET A JOB and STOP LISTENING TO MAD CADDIES ALL DAY?:

My grandma's favorite movie:

Oh and by the way, I spelled legions incorrectly ON PURPOSE to BE FUNNY. See you at the MEAN JEANS HOUSE PARTY on Saturday night you mudfuckers.

Are you trying to read my journal???

So this girl at the bar last night read my palm and told me that love will lead me down a path of happiness blah blah. She was crazy. I got good lifelines in my right hand though. She got all mad at me when I tried to compare with my left palm, telling me she had only learned how to "read" right hands, and that I had to shut the fuck up and listen instead of yakkin off at the mouth so much. What the hell do you expect? Whatever.
So yeah, I realized that writing a "blog" that only like 1 person reads is essentially equivalent to writing in a journal, which we all know is LAME. But I got some good ideas to put on wax here before I forgettem.

First a couple of my cash-cow movie ideas that will only rake in any real sort of residuals after the 3rd sequel comes out. Its a marketing strategy I haven't seen used yet, so I'm gonna ride that train (and ride it). Here's two examples:

Be Careful What You Wish - Practically nobody sees this movie, straight to DBD, etc.
Be Careful What You Wish 2 - Mediocre sales, strong rental and download figures.
Be Careful What You Wish 3 - Internet buzz, excellent reception, limited theater run.
Be Careful What You Wish 4 - Cash Cow Baby

along the same vein is another series, pretty self-explanatory really:

Sometimes You Can't See the Forest
Sometimes You Can't See the Forest 2: The Return
Sometimes You Can't See the Forest 3: The Aftermath
Sometimes You Can't See the Forest 4: The Trees

Maybe the "sometimes" shouldn't be there. Also, which set of movies comes out first? I'm sure the movie going public will only be duped by this sort of stratagem once, so I must heed the advice of the strange man at the Laundromat:
"You gotta know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em"
I presume he wasn't talking about the trousers I was taking out of the dryer.

On another topic, I've finally come up with the name of my first child. And, because I'm always thinking, I've come up with a contingency plan in case it's a GIRL. Here are the names:

BOY - September 11th Bassett
GIRL - "Hurricane" Katrina Bassett

So I'm pretty excited about those, I just need to get down to business. Ladies? I'm single, ready to mingle.
Lastly, The Mean Jeans are gearing up to put out a 7" on Rehab Records. Not sure what songs are gonna be on it, but you can expect some pretty GROOVY artwork that may or may not resemble visual powerhouses as such:




Well, so long for now, I'm off to listen to "Can't Get Can't Get You Out of My Head Out of My Head" while trying to glue my iPod to my groin (maximum portability).

I want this record.....

All Smell Breaks Loose

"There truly isn't and most likely never will be another experience in cinema quite like watching The Garbage Pail Kids Movie".



Ahhh, nothing like having to work at the buttcrack of dawn the day after Thanksgiving. Apparently you are supposed to ask for days off "in advance". Pffft.
Anyways, after hours of useless Internet abuse, I have found myself once again reading online reviews (seriously I can't stop), and I have somehow stumbled upon the Garbage Pail Kids movie. Yup.
First off, I don't think I've ever even seen this movie, but now I may have to join Netflix JUST for this movie. Here, in addition to the above opening quote, are some reasons why:

"Laughably bad performances abound, although even McKenzie Astin as Dodger delivers an Oscar-worthy performance in contrast to Ron MacLachlan as Juice, who delivers unequivocally the worst performance I have ever seen in a non-pornographic motion picture".

"I am not being hyperbolic in the least when I describe each and every one of these scenes as a unique spectacle in the history of cinema".

"From one of the early shots of a kid's wiggling toes that are about to be eaten by a dwarf alligator, you know your in for a weird ride".

"I really can't recommend this film enough to those of you who enjoy beautifully written, meticulously acted and stunningly visual films. The animatronics took my breath away as did the rewarding and at times challenging script. Valerie Vomit's own sub-plot is heart wrenching to say the least, as she struggles with her nauseous disposition only to overcome her weakness in the penultimate scene which was a real bittersweet moment of elation and regret. We follow these characters as they progress from prisoners to free citizens and I think this is the most satisfying of heroic transformations I have ever witnessed on film. Buy this movie".

"At least the starring role in this movie is played by a man that looks a lot like Dudley Moore".

"This movie captures everything the 80's were about! Corny clothes loser kids gang punks! "

"... there's 3 reasons to watch this film. They are:
1. When Windy farts off a man's mustache.
2. When Valerie Vomit... vomits.
3. The 'Too' asylum... as in the shameless politically incorrect prison for the too old and crippled who apparently get thrown into a giant trash compactor".

"The only guy that kept me interested was the greaser. And the only reason I liked him was because he carries a knife, was always making threats, and he was very very funny".

"This movie is very gross. This movie is horrible. The movie is a disgrace to the movie industry. It would be an insult to my dvd collection for me to keep this video. This movie is a waste of everything used to make this movie. It was also a big waste of my time. "Howard the Duck" was better than this. This movie was just flat out horrible !!!! To see this movie I am just apalled I didn't know there was a movie out there so horrible.. "

Man, apparently in the span of an hour I went from thinking that posting these reviews was hilarious to NOT hilarious. Oh well. Got nothing better to do, plus I am the only one who reads this anyway!

Did I ever tell you.....

I like your fudge?

I'm looking for a heartbeat......

Because I have nothing interesting to say, I am going to relegate today's blog to.... wait I don't think I actual know what relegate means.... Anyhow, I've been listening to Don Johnson's hit 1986 album "Heartbeat" alot recently, and just generally thinking about DJ alot recently. (DJ is what his "hardcore" fans call him apparently).
So I've been groovin' to this record while I fall asleep at night. Bored at work I decide to do a little research about the man, the record, etc. So I figured I would share with you some examples of what OTHER people thought of Heartbeat (with some pictures to make it more effective..):


Daniel Powers had this to say about it:

I bought this album because of a gay friend of mine named Jason Smith gave it rave reviews! One time while walking by his apartment I peaked in the window and saw Jason dancing to this album stark naked with a ski mask on. I thought that was so weird. anyway, this album sucks!

J. Uttley "movie buff" from Joliet, IL shares this with us: (excerpts)

I loved to watch him in 'Vice.' It wasn't long after that, "Heartbeat," was all over the radio waves. Let me tell you, this song took me my ears to a whole new level of passionate music dimensions!!
As a matter of fact, I have it in my cassette player right now.
What really made my Friday nights was when the, "Nash Bridges," series made its way to the television air waves.
There were many episodes where I'd be seen, eyes on the big screen, tears flowing down my face.
All I do pretty much now, is wonder what Don has in store for his fans in the near future.
........this guy sounds pretty cool!

oh wait, last but not least, my favorite
Nelmarie Eloff from South Africa writes:

Get yourself this CD now!! Or any other CD of DJ! This guy just do it!!! He have that honey sweet voice that hookes you on every song!! I luv the song called Lost in your eyes! I'm a HUGE DJ fan and I most surtenly do recomend any of his albums!!! GET IT NOW or SNOOZE AND LOOSE!!!!
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By the way, my review is that this album is THE BEST, except for the song he does with Willie Nelson. That one is not so good.
For next time: Philip Michael Thomas' album "Living the Book of My Life".

til next time boys and ghouls,
Nelmarie Eloff

Haiku

Alot has happened since my last "BLOG". Butt instead of trying to recap all the cool stuff I've been up to, I think I will share with you a beautiful haiku from my friend Mikey "Moldman" Goldman:

Let's go to the hop
Where we can bop bop bop bop
Bop bop bop bop bop


I can't almost stop crying reading this.......

Breaking the Law

Greetings Earthlings......

So last night I got REAL drunk....AGAIN. Let's begin from the beginning....
So Pure Goldman tells me about a free taco if you ride yer bike to Porque No. Did that shit after work and ate a free taco. It was good. Then I borrowed his neon yellow helmet and went and got a free slice at Pizza-a-GoGo (free slice on the condition that you bike there and show yer helmet). So all in all: free dinner. BUTT... I got a call from Lindsay Kavka (she's in town fer a couple weeks) telling me that if I want to make it to Simpsons trivia night, I gotta be at 34th and Belmont by 7 sharp and no cell phones. So I had to eat my slice o' pizza while riding my bike down Vancouver so I could make it in time to return Goldman's neon helmet, go to my house, take a shit, change my shirt, and bike 15 minutes to the spot. Needless to say I made it.
Also needless to say we tore it up on trivia, plus I finally got to put my German degree to use (two German related questions...). Anyways we actual sucked, we got 3rd to last. Butt whatever.
So then I run into Nick Barbaree and when Lindsay and crew leave (she had to work at Starbucks at 4 am...) I kick it with Nick and his buds from South Dakota (not from Rapid City though, I soon discovered). I am on beer 6 or so at this point.
Party moves to Beulahland where I have #s 7,8,9 or so. I am stuck between two conversations at this point, thinking about nothing in particular. I also ran into Tony Larson's cousin essy, she had just been catering food to nerds at a sci-fi convention. Why isnt that my job? Anyways, she apparently fergot her ID so she got kicked out, and told me she'd be hangin' outside. I of course fergot about that and drank more beers. Never saw her again.
Anyways cut to the chase, we walk over to Chopsticks and I immediately put in Breaking the Law for karaoke, there was a time crunch and I didnt feel like stressin'.
Shit, this is stupid. Butt anyways I act a fool, do powerslides, high-kicks, lots of pointing, air guitar, head-bashing against wall, wrong lyrics, and then top it off by dunking the mic in the Tip Jar and yelling: SCREAM FOR ME PORTAL-LAND.....
Then I walk straight from the stage to my bike and go home without saying bye to anyone (including Laura Likeman who is moving) and her posse. I'm an asshole.
When I got home Christian was getting bangs on the front stoop.
C-ya.

Uhhh...

I just ate a fuckin' Baby Ruth. And last week I ate a 3 Musketeers. What am I like 10 years old? They've changed the Baby Ruth by the way. Something more creamier/caramelly about it. Cant quite put my finger in it. I feel like an asshole sitting here in my damn cubicle eating a candy bar and reading about Quincy Jones on Wikipedia. I just heard that my bro is gunna be a pro poker player. I'm excited. Look out for him on ESPN 8.

Underpants

You know what I was thinking today...
The fact that boxers are normally all different colors creates a problem I just now realized. Lets say that you really liked blue boxers, so you had like 10 pairs of them. So everyday you would wear a fresh new pair of blue boxers. BUTT - if someone were to sneak a peek and notice that you had been wearing blue boxers for 3 days in a row, they would be making fun of you and telling other people you work with that you are smelly and dont shower and dont change your underpants...
See now, I actually HAVE been wearing the same blue boxers for 3 days now without showering, but I feel like its unfair to someone who was actually fresh and clean.
See now, with whitey tighties, you dont have this problem. If someone were to see another persons whitey-tighties 3 days in a row, they would probably just assume that they are wearing a fresh new pair of underpants everyday, because most whitey tighties are white (hence the name). See thats not fair I says. But then again I guess people who wear whitey tighties get made fun of anyways.
I switched to boxers in fifth grade. My mom bought me a pair of Jurassic Park ones and then a pair of Bugs Bunny surfing on a carrot ones. I remember showing them off on the front porch (stylin'). The next year I caved in to wigger pressure and bought a Chicago Bulls Starter jacket (which was later stolen...)
Time to go.

You be the Judge

Now, if anybody out there just can't wait to see Vice Versa after hearing all the praise going around town, make sure you pick up the right one. If you are doing the VHS thing, be on the lookout for a product that resembles this here:



OR, if yer into the DVD thing, then yer gunna want to pick up this slightly altered version in which they stealthily added Fred Savage into the scene:



I still can't figure out how they made Judge Reinhold skateboarding off a desk look so convincing in the days before photoshop and what not. Maybe the guy can shred...
Also, make sure you don't accidentally pick up a live dvd by the "highly stylistic" British "function band" VICEVERSA:



Needless to say, they suck.

Til next time,

Judge "Shredmaster" Reinhold

Prince of Douchebags

Michael "Pure" Goldman doesn't know who Bryan Adams is. What the hell is that? Then I sang "Everything I Do" for him and he was like "Oh yeah whatever okay I guess I know that song". Then I was like don't you remember Robin Hood Prince of Thieves? It was the Theme Song!". And he was like, "Oh so Im supposed to know this crappy song just because it was in some crappy movie.... Robin Hood Men in Tights was much better anyways, remember when blah blah blah"...
Some people are crazy. You can't mess with the scene where he finally hits English shores and he kneels in the wet sand and uses his hands as human hourglasses. Or when Morgan Freeman is mesmerized by the binoculars. Or monocular. Telescope. Whatever.
Its Friday and there's a Mean Jeans show tonight. Chyeah Baby.

Surprise, surprise

I got really wasted last night.
I woke up with no clothes on.
Could this be the mouse?

Wayne and Garth's Excellent Adventure

The other week I was going to write a long-winded expose on how the movie Big was a rip-off of a lesser-known, lesser-good movie called Vice Versa. Starring the elustrious Judge Reinhold and a young, annoying Fred Savage (who later went to Stanford and my sister told me she saw him smoking doobies behind her at some concert). Anyhow, its not REALLY the same story but alot of the key elements are the same. In Big, Tom Hanks just gets older physically but not mentally. In Vice Versa Judge and Fred swop bodies (they are father and son). Vice Versa was shitty but me and Rex were both sad when it ended for some reason. Actually for a while I couldn't even bear to watch it because I was so embarrassed. You know that sort of embarrassment by osmosis when you feel so bad for someone else you cant even take it? Anyhow, it cost me 70 cents so whatever. Plus I bought it because of Judge Reinhold's face on the back. Ill try to find some pics. Man, typing Judge Reinhold over and over is kind of super sillious.
Anyways, the ACTUAL point here is that Wayne's World DID rip off Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (and Bogus Journey I suppose). Christian brought this up a while back and I didn't really think much of it. Butt then I just watched Bill and Teds again and it became very apparent. For instance:
Party On Dude! Waahwiiwahh (electric guitar snippet).
Well anyways, howcome no one ever brings this up??? Maybe they do, I dunno. Waynes World was huge. Im tired. Im hungry.

8 to Jubitz... 8 to Jubitz

Alright, its Friday morning and its time to bitch.

First of all there is a dude on the bus I ride every morning who has the nastiest, greasiest hair. He never blinks. He's a black guy with long curly silver hair down to his shoulders that only turns silver towards the bottom. He's insane looking. But who cares about all that... the problem is he spends the entire time on the bus cleaning his ears with a q-tip. Is it just me or is that real nasty? I dont really give a shit about too much stuff, but this guy creeps me out. He is doing it constantly and every once in a while he will produce a new q-tip (as in a different one because I dont think any of them are actually new...) and go to town. Fuck that guy.

One cool thing though is that I went to go see Hot Fuzz with Crapford last night and while he was taking a piss some guy came up to me and said:
KOKANEE? (pronounced extremely incorrectly)
Turns out it was Kyle from the Colombian Dance Party Extravaganza (good story, more on that maybe later)
Anyways, he was wearing funny shades and I didnt recognize him, but I do appreciate people who recognize me thru beer.
Also the movie was good but maybe too long?
Anyways, I've lost focus so I'll end this now. Maybe some other time I will continue talking about people who annoy me (like people who press the elevator button even though I just pressed it right in front of them AND it is lit up. retards)

Tell Me You Wouldn't Watch This Fuckin Shit

Cherboi Christian Blunda skillfully drafted up a cover for my next high-impact blockbuster thrillride conceptual movie phenomenon. I think it is ready to be pitched to some of those smooth operatin' hollywood execs out there. They haven't seen action like this since Dollman Vs. The Demonic Toys. Hold on to your ponytails motherfuckers because 2008 is the summer of....



Get the fuck back.

Malone Vs. Orca

FUCK YES.

Watching Malone.....Alone

Man this was good. Last night I decided to take it easy and watch an action movie. Luckily I had bought Malone for 70 cents at Stuff. Man this was good.
I can't stop thinking about Burt Reynolds moustache in this movie. It should have been billed 2nd on the end credits. Im serious. If you can get a hold of this movie: do it. It's the best.
Check out the first real fight scene between Burt Reynolds and some fat dude. First of all Malone never drops the 100% action face. Secondly, he utilizes the ultimate fighting move: the double ear slap. Seriously though, watch this in slow motion. Its the best.
Lemme give you a brief what's up:
Malone is an aging CIA assassin who is getting tired of all the killing. He tries to quit the company, but the company won't quit him. So he burns all his ID cards (there is alot of fire in this movie) and drives away in his hot-rod car. Then some shit goes down.
Maybe you can find it on youtube, I havent checked yet, I assume they block me from that site here at work. His hair is PERFECT.
BUT, all of this is irrelevant because all you really need to do is find a picture of the VHS sleeve for this movie on google images to know how hard this will rock you. It is Malone grimacing with a shotgun in front of a giant explosion that covers the whole rest of the box.
This will give you a little taste for the ending of this movie. Epic.
Jesus Christ.
Also, if you get a chance, check out the VHS cover for a movie called ORCA. It's about a killer killer whale I assume. I have yet to see it, but I can't get enough of the cover. Damn.

Me and my buddy Matt Patren discovered these 2 movies while bored at a Hollywood Video in Escondido back in 98. We didn't rent them but we laughed at the covers for about an hour or so. A year and a half later we did get around to watching Food of the Gods, but I'll save that for another time.